Voodoo and other Dieting Dilemmas

I get angry when I am on a diet. I’ll tell you why. When I’m dieting:

1) Nabisco comes out with three new flavors of Oreos. WTH, Nabisco. I want to punch your face.

2) Foodland’s weekly reward is a box of Love’s doughnuts. I am canceling my Maika’i membership immediately in retaliatory disgust.

3) My kids start eating tons of crap food, so much so that Amaya actually groans when Jake pulls out a box of Mac and Cheese. I just want to dive into that Mac and Cheese so I feel like she is being the whiniest girl on the planet.

4) I am eating tons of lettuce. When I am rich I am going to go buy up the salad industry and put it in a trash can.

5) I am not cooking. It’s barely called cooking when you’re eating 300 calorie meals and weighing chicken breasts. Poor girls, they’re only 4 oz.

6) I have not lost one pound while being on this diet for 15 days, 6 hours, and 18 minutes (and doing Insanity). I hate my scale so much but I also feel completely co-dependent.

7) I hate food blogging and all the people I follow on Instagram that take pictures of their food. You people suck.

8) I hate other people eating food. Don’t eat food around me. Even if you are eating salad I will hate you.

9) Editing these pictures was torture.

10) I never have fun.

It’s true. People who eat have more fun.

When we were in Oregon (Before Dieting: B.D.), I was standing in line at Voo doo Doughnuts, experimenting with stuffed burgers, enjoying my mother’s gourmet Japanese cooking, tasting salted caramel ice cream from the Salt and Straw cart, and having lunch at the food truck pod near my dad’s office. I don’t care if Voo Doo Doughnuts’ actual doughnut isn’t the best there is—the toppings save them. Yes, that is a fried fritter topped with chocolate and peanut butter and chocolate chips. Yes, that is a Easy Peasy Lemon Keesey. Yes, that is an Old Dirty Bastard with Oreos. Yes, that is a maple bacon doughnut. I got a little lazy with the photos because I was trying to stuff my face in doughnut orgy. 

Portland has a lot of good sandwiches, which is probably my favorite meal. And that sandwich in the bottom right corner is, actually, a Big A** sandwich. Fries in a sandwich. Tell me that is not the best sandwich you have ever tasted through a screen.

Except the one just on the left of that might beat it. The Schnitzelwich is the European Katsu sandwich, and I appreciate the Horseradish sauce. If I was near this food truck pod I would be in big trouble. My dad and I had a cook off of burger recipes for our July 4th BBQ. I’m not sure which I liked better, but I really like blue cheese in burgers, and American cheese on burgers is much better than cheddar, despite my preferences for real food over colored cheese gelatin. Real pineapple beats out canned pineapple, though.

I’m really lucky my family likes food as much as I do. We even took the kids to two fancy restaurants and ate pork belly dishes at both places. I was much too busy eating to take pictures, so you’ll have to settle for my Instagram (yes! I hate myself!). Mom wanted to try this watermelon popsicles recipe she got off a food blog. It was super cute. I would like to try to make more of a sherbet style one. Lime sherbet, by the way, is highly underrated. Jake and I also ate all through our anniversary, and hiked to a few waterfalls in between.   I have been married to this man for 11 years. I really don’t get tired of him at all, which is the wonder of being married to someone this awesome. He’s been good about picking up the slack since being on a diet makes me completely lazy and pissy. Kind of like what I would be like if I actually had PMS.

Amaya said a couple of days ago, “I want some chocolate, because I’m on a diet. That’s what you eat when you’re on a diet.”

I looked at Jake with my most evil stare and said, “Not. One. Word.”